Requested Material Enclosed

It was great to be back home in Cincinnati last week to reload on Skyline 4-ways, Penn Station Chicken Teriyaki sandwiches, UDF & Graeters. I’d better watch it or I’ll find that under my big bulky sweater will be a big bulky guy. Oh yeah, I also worked. As many of you know, I was the Big Cheese headliner at Go Bananas Comedy Club. Thanks to all who came out. They say it may have been a record week!

pregnant-bikini-contest-7-636One of the highlights of my career had to be when, while in town, I did the WEBN Pregnant Bikini Contest at Hooters. Rather, I judged it. This was the radio station’s way of celebrating Mothers’ Day. It was sick and wrong! Because of this, I highly recommend you check it out next year. Women strapped into bikinis with big huge exposed guts, in their third trimester no less. You usually don’t see that in public unless you go to LaSourdesville Lake! And they charge a cover.

I took some time to sort through some correspondence that came to my Cincinnati mailbox. As I’m sure it is with many of you, I’m quite fond of mail. Good mail, not junk mail. You know, those tiny little morsels of love.

Come next year, it’s going to cost us a bit more for some lovin’. The rate for a 1st class letter will go to 32 cents. People in Chicago are not happy about that at all. I believe the motto of the postal workers in The Windy City is: “No rain, nor sleet, nor hail, nor dark of night will keep a carrier from his appointed rounds–unless the Cubs have a day game!” They found some undelivered mail that was years late. One of them was the first letter of Paul to the Corinthians! The way they behave is enough to make Cliff Clavin strip off his uniform. Trust me, we certainly don’t want to see that (re: Pregnant Bikini Contest).

Waiting for me was an envelope that was literally shredded. Just like when this happened to me years ago, it was delivered in its own plastic postal body bag. There was a prepared statement on the bag from the Postmaster, “Sorry about the letter, but we were really curious what it said.” That can’t be legal.

This got me thinking about all my postal pet peeves. First of all, I don’t know why people add a l’il something extra on the envelope’s bottom left hand corner: “IMPORTANT” or “You May Have Already Won”. It’s like they can’t keep a secret. Either that or they are teasing us, hoping to coax us into opening their missive. My favorite is: “Dated Material”. To which I immediately announce like Pavlov’s dog, “Yeah, well I date my letters too!” Clever, huh.

It bugs me that businesses put my return address at the top of the note, above the date. Hey, I know my address! I guess that may be their subtle way of saying, “Oh yeah, you can throw this away, but we know where you live.”

As many of you know, my proper name is Archibald Leach. I changed it for showbiz. Actually, I’m Lawrence Adams Chinery, Junior. I’m a “chip”-off-the-old-block. Because of all this, my name gets botched in numerous ways. My favorite is a piece of junk mail I received which has earned a place of prominence on my bulletin board. The salutation on the actual letter read: “Dear Mr. Junior”.

“Mr. Junior” is a nationally touring stand-up comedian originally from Cincinnati, now living in Los Angeles.

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